All of my adult life I have been guided by the spirit. It used to be booze, now it’s God. I’ve been a searcher my entire life. Looking for acceptance, looking to belong if I felt lonely, to be left alone when overwhelmed. I have never been content with the way things were. Searching for […]
I have an old friend who’s dying. We called him “The Fool.” He was hysterically funny and would do anything for a laugh. We partied hard together for a while but we haven’t been close in a long time. It still sucks though. Alcohol ruined him and his liver has failed. He’s comatose and will […]
No matter what life throws at me, no matter what unfortunate circumstance I find myself in, a drink will always make it worse. What I’ve learned is one drink for me is like starting a fire, the kindling effect. It starts out small, just one drink. And then whoosh, an all-consuming blaze. Whether I want […]
July 4th, 2010, is a day I will never forget, except for the fact that I don’t remember too much of it! I guess I should back up a little and provide some back story. You see, this was two years prior to me getting sober. I was the guy that had to invite 30+ […]
I felt out of sorts. Like a visitor in my own body. Slightly different, less than. Too skinny and awkward. A square peg trying to fit in a round hole. On the outside looking in. I think more people feel this way than don’t, but it took me a long time to realize that… I […]
Getting and staying sober has taught me that I have a perfectly good brain. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe I am extra smart but I’ve come to realize my brain is fine. So why would I want to poison it regularly? In our world today, drinking is portrayed as such a normal part […]
I hate meditating. There, I said it. Meditating is a stupid waste of time. It does nothing for me and my time would be better spent doing anything else. Whew, I feel better now. I am a doer. A doer and a fixer. I identify with all the motivational sayings: Get up and go. The […]
I was trying to get home from a funeral or something. I had a flight change in Minneapolis/St. Paul with a brief layover. Doing what I always did, I ended up in the airport bar. I didn’t end up there because it was fun or because I was feeling gregarious; it’s just what I did […]
All alcoholics quit, eventually. Sounds hopeful, right? Maybe not so much when you realize we only quit one of two ways. Vertically or horizontally. The hard facts for me are, I will either die a sober alcoholic or a drunk one. This will never disappear and if I start believing that it will, I’m in […]
I hope I don’t get caught. I hope I don’t get pulled over. I hope she doesn’t leave me. I hope I don’t get fired. I hope I don’t have cirrhosis. That was pretty much it for ‘hope’ before sobriety. My life was small, my outlook bleak, and fear ruled. I was beholden to alcohol. […]