Toxic Band-Aid

I felt out of sorts. Like a visitor in my own body. Slightly different, less than. Too skinny and awkward. A square peg trying to fit in a round hole. On the outside looking in. I think more people feel this way than don’t, but it took me a long time to realize that… I […]

Rollercoaster

Getting and staying sober has taught me that I have a perfectly good brain. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe I am extra smart but I’ve come to realize my brain is fine. So why would I want to poison it regularly? In our world today, drinking is portrayed as such a normal part […]

I Hate Meditating!

I hate meditating. There, I said it. Meditating is a stupid waste of time. It does nothing for me and my time would be better spent doing anything else. Whew, I feel better now. I am a doer. A doer and a fixer. I identify with all the motivational sayings: Get up and go. The […]

I’m Better Now!

I was trying to get home from a funeral or something. I had a flight change in Minneapolis/St. Paul with a brief layover. Doing what I always did, I ended up in the airport bar. I didn’t end up there because it was fun or because I was feeling gregarious; it’s just what I did […]

Die with it, or from it!

All alcoholics quit, eventually. Sounds hopeful, right? Maybe not so much when you realize we only quit one of two ways. Vertically or horizontally. The hard facts for me are, I will either die a sober alcoholic or a drunk one. This will never disappear and if I start believing that it will, I’m in […]

I hope…

I hope I don’t get caught. I hope I don’t get pulled over. I hope she doesn’t leave me. I hope I don’t get fired. I hope I don’t have cirrhosis. That was pretty much it for ‘hope’ before sobriety. My life was small, my outlook bleak, and fear ruled. I was beholden to alcohol. […]

I’m being stalked by a killer!

Alcohol wants me dead. Not just dead though, no. That’s not enough. Alcohol wants to ruin me first. It wants to steal my joy, hope, love, health and freedom. It wants to get me fired and keep me unemployable. It wants to break my spirit and destroy my self-respect. It wants to make my friends […]

Resentment Blanket

Aaahhh, resentments. That kid who made fun of me for tucking my shirt in my underpants 45 years ago. I call him “that kid” because I don’t want to “out” him as an atrocious person all these years later, and he probably grew up into a perfectly lovely man. Or a ghoul…part of me wants […]

Dancing in the Street!

Happiness is an inside job but it takes work. There are clinical studies that have shown being grateful leads to gratitude. I love that. All I have to do to be happy is figure out what works for me, do that and be grateful. Oh yeah, and don’t do what doesn’t work. It is that […]

Deliver Us From Ego!

Low self-esteem, high ego. I see this a lot. I see it in myself, especially before. Before my recovery, and sometimes during. I used to get mad at myself because I deserved better than me…Oof. Convoluted thinking, I see that now. But that’s how it was. One time I found a toy bull-head, and I […]

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