Will Work for Sobriety

Here’s a thought; if alcohol did for everybody what it did for me, everyone who tried it would become an alcoholic! What I mistakenly believed alcohol gave me was what I had always been searching for… wellness, quiet, and satisfaction. I think we are all searching for these things. Drinking seemed to give me that. Moreso, I got a deep sense of relief merely knowing I was going to drink. That all-encompassing feeling of “everything is going to be all right” would come to me even on my way to the liquor store, well before my thirst was quenched. Further, that feeling was enhanced when I had a 12-pack in the fridge and a bottle stashed. That’s all I was looking for, a deep sense of ease and comfort. The knowledge that things would be ok was all I was ever looking for.

I get that feeling today when I know my higher power is at my side and has my back. My good friend regularly said, “Everything’s okay, and even if it’s not okay, that’s okay.” He even said that as he was dying. I need to trust that my Higher Power has gotten me this far, and I have no reason to believe he will stop now.

It’s crazy that I used to think that the solution was alcohol. My solution was alcohol. Looking back on it now, I can recognize the insanity of my behavior. I see now that alcoholic spirits were my higher power. If someone had told me, “Trust in God,” my response would have been, “NOPE.” I thought I ran the show. It’s funny how I thought I didn’t (or wouldn’t) rely on anything outside myself. When in truth, if you drank like me, we readily turned our will and our life over to the care of alcohol, which cared nothing for us. Tangled in the web of alcoholic denial, I could not see the hypocrisy. The insanity of my day-to-day life seemed the only way.

I recently heard a great line: “Worry is an insult to my higher power.”  My big giant brain starts to outsmart the universe when I get up in my head. I hear myself say, “It doesn’t make any sense; there’s no higher power.” I must remember to see the wonder surrounding me every minute of the day! Just the beauty of human kindness is proof to me there’s more out there. I have to make a conscious effort daily to notice and stay in touch with my higher power through prayer, meditation, and gratitude (especially gratitude) to keep my mind right. What’s funny, I may have mentioned before, is that even in moments of pompous denial of my higher power, if I just continue to behave as if I have faith, I get the same results. My higher power doesn’t get his feelings hurt. I still reap the rewards if I act as if I have faith, even when I don’t! And then I begin to have faith again. My faith is like a yo-yo that way. And maybe I’m not alone. 

So it takes effort on my part to stay in the flow. To keep from swinging back and forth so foolishly, to remain in the middle of the herd. It’s vital to acknowledge that there is a higher power every day and remember I’m not it. If I stay grateful and be of service to the best of my ability, I get that sense of ease and comfort I have always sought. The rewards are there if I work for them. I’m simply a day laborer standing outside the home improvement store with a sign that says, “Will Work for Sobriety!”   Just for today, I am willing.