I Hate Meditating!

I hate meditating. There, I said it. Meditating is a stupid waste of time. It does nothing for me and my time would be better spent doing anything else. Whew, I feel better now.

I am a doer. A doer and a fixer. I identify with all the motivational sayings: Get up and go. The early bird catches the worm. Don’t waste time. Get ‘er done. Make hay while the sun shines. Pitter patter let’s get at ‘er. I get all of them, live most of them. Don’t just sit there, do something. Don’t just sit there…

My sobriety requires meditation. I didn’t meditate for quite a few years when I first got sober because I knew I was bad at it and it did nothing for me. So why bother? I was told by a mentor at the time that, for my recovery, meditation was not a suggestion but a requirement. I begrudgingly complied. This agreement has sent me on a road of discovery that has lasted quite a while now. In fact, I have meditated almost every morning for over 10 years.

Early on, my wife and I went to a “Meditation for Dummies” (my name) class taught by a Buddhist. A real shaved head, orange robe Buddhist. He explained: We are just going to sit here… nothing will happen. You will not float away on a cloud, the heavens won’t open. You’ll just sit there. You’ll still hear the car door slam outside. You’ll daydream about what you’re going to have for lunch…or that guy that cut you off. But nothing will change. You’ll just sit there.

That was freeing to hear. If this guy in the robe meditates like I do then I don’t have to feel like I am failing anymore. My wife and I started meditating together. It was clear to me that it was having a positive impact on her, but not me. When she would meditate, the rest of the morning just seemed to go more smoothly. Getting the kids ready was less stressful, and more serene ( as serene as getting two elementary-aged kids ready can be anyways.) But nothing changed for me.

I did notice other drivers were somehow aware that I had meditated and drove more conscientiously. I am not clear on how they knew. They were just a little more patient and polite. But I was sure meditation did nothing for me. How could it? I just sat there, and thought, and tried to remember my breath. But mostly thought.

Apparently, the act of not doing is the point. What? I really struggled (and still do, to some degree) with that. Getting things done kinda defines me, at least did, anyways. But the act of not doing is doing great things for me? I just sit there, every day (almost), and life gets better. It makes no sense. But I’ve addressed this in past blogs. What makes sense to me does not necessarily make sense to my recovery. I am not the best judge of me, or what is good for me. In fact, I have been and still can be my own worst enemy. So when I think and feel I should be doing something, or getting something out of sitting still and breathing, I’m wrong. A million fellow drivers agree.